Where do the Words Come From?

I love to write. It's my escape from the chaos of everyday life, and a place I go when I need to reconnect with myself. There are times when, from one tiny idea, my fingers type relentlessly and the words are an endless flow of unconsciousness - as if they are typing themselves and my fingers are just a vessel to punch the keys or hold the pen. When I finally stop I’m always amazed at how much is written and I often wonder where the words came from; obviously somewhere deep inside my soul because they did not come from my conscious mind…

A Turning of the Leaf

I feel as though I’ve lost some of the joy in my life.  No, let me correct that; most of the joy in my life.  Things I used to take such pleasure in are now so mundane and unsatisfying.  Things I used to get so excited about are boring and lackluster.  Just the simple act of getting out of bed in the morning seems like way too much work. When did this happen, and more importantly - WHY?

Ok wait, I do know when it started.  Back in 2010 I had a job I enjoyed, with great pay and benefits, wonderful clients and a great boss.  Then he left the company and Sgt. Dip Wad moved in.  From the moment he walked into the office I just knew my days there were numbered.  He never laughed, never smiled and always had a twisted up, sour puss look on his face.  He had absolutely NO sense of humor and no desire to keep any type of open communication. I was pretty much shut out of the goings on in the office and he acted as though I wasn't even there - unless it was as a scapegoat for something he thought was wrong, bad, uninformative... you fill in the blanks here.   

If he didn't like it or he considered it to be bad - it was my fault.  He would instruct me to do something and then write me up for doing it. It was a lose/lose situation for me. He accused me of being continuously late for work  I was usually early, and always arrived before he did); he wrote me up for a bad attitude with clients (I had a stack of thank you notes from them for my help and assistance, and several of them had even sent me flowers for going above and beyond). He got upset with me for not wearing "bling" - sorry Sarge, but I'm not a "blingy" kind of girl; I'm earthy and plain - my smile and my attitude are my bling...  He even went so far as to accuse me of having body odor!  For that I was blown away.  Because of this last one we had to have a conference call with HR; seriously??  Even though I explained that I shower every morning before I go to work; when I get home my clothes went straight into the laundry, and in the summer I often shower at night as well because I hate going to bed feeling gritty and sweaty, I was told that I needed to be more unconscious of my personal hygiene. They didn't even listen to me - it was the last straw.  

For eight long, agonizing months I had put up with his attitude and tolerated the bull shit. And one day I could stand it no longer. It was affecting my physical health, my mental health and my general well being; so I walked out and never looked back.

I’ve never walked out on a job before, and I don’t regret that decision one bit, but man did it take the wind out of my sales in every way possible. I’ve yet to find that breeze that will fill my sails and help me move on again; the only wind I find is blowing me around like a tumbleweed - I have no control over it.  And when I do land I feel like all I’m doing is spinning my wheels.

I did find a temp job that I really liked, but they were in a hiring freeze and were not able to offer me a permanent position.  I had to move on again and find something else (by all the stars in the night sky - I absolutely HATE job hunting!)

After registering at a local job service I was informed about an upcoming “Job Fair”, and it was suggested that I attend. I really did not want to - I did not want to work in an office again.  I could not.  It would destroy me. But what else could I do?  Unless I wanted to live in a cardboard box under a bridge, I could not survive without an income, and I had to find another job; somewhere - anywhere - I just needed a paycheck.  

I printed out several copies of my resume and begrudgingly headed to the Job Fair.  I had absolutely no enthusiasm, and I’m sure it showed to everyone I spoke to. I didn’t care.

On my way out I passed a booth I hadn’t noticed before.  On the display behind it were photos of mountains and rivers, of people white water rafting and horseback riding. This was a job???  I stopped and chatted with the woman behind the table. It was a guest ranch, about 45 miles out of town, and one I had heard of before, although vaguely.  Did they have wrangler positions available?  Yes they did!  Go online and apply.  I left immediately and went online to their website and applied. Two weeks later I was hired!

It was such a welcome change, and a starting point to a new life. I was outdoors in the fresh air and sunshine.  And rain and thunder and wind… It was hard work.  It had been a long time since I had saddled horses, and I’d forgotten how heavy those big hunks of leather could be. I stacked 50 pound sacks of grain; 70 pound bags of salt; 80 pound bales of hay - and I loved it. It felt SO good to do physical work again!  And the horses!  I was working with the horses, and it helped to restore my soul. They gave me purpose and joy - and they were the very best therapy I could have had - and they didn’t cost a dime!  Ok, well, they did cost the gasoline getting there, but it was well worth it.

I learned new things. I pulled a horse trailer - with the horses inside - and I didn’t spill a single one!  I guided guests on trail rides and gave informative talks. One of them nominated me for an award for providing an exceptional guest experience - and I won!  I learned how to harness, hitch and drive the draft teams - and was hooked! My position changed from Wrangler to Teamster and I drove guests every night to a chuck wagon dinner in a wagon pulled by a pair of Norwegian Fjord horses. I think it was the most fun I’d ever had during a summer, and one I will not soon forget.

But it was only a seasonal position and the summer went all too quickly.  And the closer it got to the end of the season the sadder I became. The thought of not seeing “my boys” every day tore at my emotions.  I had gotten so terribly attached to them - how in the world would I get along without them?
 

But I had to. I had to leave and not go back - at least not until the following spring.  I have applied again this year and, according to HR, they are in need of a part time teamster, which for now would be perfect.  I would go back to full time in a heartbeat, but I doubt that will happen.  I don’t even know if I’ll get the part time job yet, but if not, so be it.

 

I am finally coming to terms with the bad experience that Sgt Dip Wad bestowed on me.  Ok, I'm still working on it, but I've gotten a lot better.  I just need to find some joy again.  I read somewhere recently that people need to have more "awe" moments.  Get outside and see the wondrous and awe inspiring things that are sitting right in front of us.  And it's true.  Up until last summer I'd forgotten how to do that. But I'm getting back to it.  I now carry a journal with me everywhere, and I look for those "awe" moments - in the tiniest of things. Slowly - very slowly - they are coming back to me.  It's like building a house - you can only set one brick at a time.

I have since taken another job; as a cashier in a retail business.  It’s tiring, both physically and mentally.  I go home every night feeling exhausted for no apparent reason.  It’s not what I want to be doing and the pay is not much more than minimum wage; but it's a start.  
And it will do until something better comes along.  But I’ve also learned that my dream job is not going to fall into my lap like the guest ranch did, but there are plenty of options and opportunities out there, I just have to look for them and make it happen.

What I have decided however, is that after working at the guest ranch, I want more - I want what *I* want, not what I have to settle for.  I realize that it may take a little time, but there are options and opportunities out there - I just have to find them. But from now on I want something that makes me happy; something I enjoy; something that gives me purpose and meaning; something rewarding that makes me feel human again.  I want to work with horses, riding, grooming or mucking out stalls - I don’t care which, as long as I’m near horses.  I need to be near horses! I need to live my life!

Evening Meditation

Tonight I did a new ritual – that of cleansing away the negative energy and inviting in the positive energy.  I lit a black candle and focused on things that I felt were causing me to be unable to move forward; detours and roadblocks, and banished them away from me.  I listed these things on a piece of paper, lit the paper on fire from the black candle and burned it, sending the smoke up to the spirit guides, and asked them to carry the negative energy up to the stars and far away from me. Then I lit a green candle and asked the spirit guides to bring positive energy to me, to help me walk on the right path, and to be strong. 

After this was done I meditated to the flute music and something happened; I saw something. A vision appeared in my mind, and at the bottom there was solid black, as if it was a horizon, and it was jagged like trees in the distance.  Above that was a very dark blue – almost black, and it looked the middle of the night but there were no stars.  A moon appeared – shadowed; dark gray, almost as dark as the blue of the night sky but very, very large so it took up most of the space in the sky.  Suddenly I saw wings; very large wings and bright white.  It appeared to be a horse with wings and the horse was running toward me as it slowly flapped its wings.  Then it changed from a horse to an eagle and turned and flew away from me. I followed it and I could see rivers and treetops and mountains below me – as if I were flying too, but I had no indication that I was even a being. It was as if I were a spirit myself, just soaring up high with the eagle. Then it was gone and I was alone, but still soaring. 

What did this mean???

I want to know – I need to know –who can tell me?

Morning Meditation

Good meditation this morning, I was able to keep the “monkey mind” mostly quiet!  At one point there was a particular song on the CD that I just love, and as I focused on the sound of the flute, tears started rolling down my cheek.  Why?  No idea, but it must have touched something very deep inside and so I let it.  

After the meditation was over I ate a few crackers and some orange slices and then set the remainder of it on a small plate outside. According to Buddhist beliefs, the food is for the deities that you call to your meditation. In Native American terms it would be for the spirit guides, and while I know the birds will eat it, the birds are also messengers to the spirits, so in a sense I am feeding the spirits, including my own.

Today I will try and find a couple of small storage boxes to keep some of my meditation supplies, so they are not stuffed into the small drawer of the desk. It will also keep them protected in case there are mice in the house – cannot have them chewing on my meditation and prayer items!  I need more candles as well, in different colors for the seasons, and a black candle for a purification ritual. 

I believe this is really helping, for I had a reasonably good day yesterday, and slept well last night.

Money, Stuff, & Meditation

They say money can’t buy happiness, but it can pay the bills, which in turn buys comfort and peace of mind, and while I’m not sure about anyone else it certainly would make me happy.  Having been basically unemployed for the past five years (albeit through a string of temp and seasonal jobs), I have really learned how to tighten my belt and get the most for my dollars. And let me tell you, it is not fun. In fact, it’s very stressful wondering how you’re going to manage to pay the bills from month to month.  Yet it seems, so far at least, that I’ve been able to manage – not comfortably by a long shot – but at least I’ve been getting by.

I did however, splurged last week and bought myself some really nice 300 count sheets; as opposed to my usual and less expensive 150-200 count.  What a difference the thread count makes!  The extra expense was worth it because I put them on the bed last night and, combined with a little sprinkle of lavender oil, I felt like I was sleeping in a five start hotel. Ahhhh, now where is room service and that masseuse?  

Truthfully, I think most people have more “stuff” than they need, and I am no exception. I look at the things I’ve accumulated over the years and wonder where in the world it all came from, and why have I kept it?  Sentimental value mostly, lots of stuff from my childhood and teens.  Things I really have no use for anymore, but there they are, packed away in boxes in the shed.  That shed – far too big; it holds too much “stuff”.  I went through a lot of it last year and sorted our a huge quantity of things that went away in a yard sale, and the rest to Good Will. The other half of the shed will be cleaned out this summer; too cold and snowy this time of year.

Of course, as George Carlin used to say, that only makes room for more “stuff”.  He did an entire comedy routing on that very subject. Hysterically funny, mostly because it was true.  I have a great need to simplify my life. Get rid of all of the excess; the things I haven’t used in far too long; the clothes I don’t wear anymore; the “junk” that just takes up space. I know if I do I’ll feel so much better, and it will certainly make things less complicated when it comes to cleaning house!  Shoes are not a problem; I only have six pair – one pair of hiking boots; one pair of work shoes; one pair of snow boots, and three pair of cowboy boots – the essentials, right?. No more dust collectors (with a few very special exceptions), no more unread, or no longer read books; no more clothes that I might fit into again. No more “I might use that some day” – everything not used must go!  And I’d be willing to bet that once they’re gone I won’t even miss them.

I did my first meditation today. While I really wanted to do this just at sunrise, I waited until the puppy had eaten his breakfast and was sleeping peacefully (and quietly), in his crate before starting my morning meditation.  Well, that, and the fact that I didn’t get out of bed until just before 8:00... And I even went to bed around 10:00 – I must have been sleeping very soundly; must have been those new, 300 count sheets… But I smudged my altar and myself with sage, and then turned on the spirit flute music.  I also used the headphones to help cut out exterior noise, and it helped for the most part. 

Unfortunately towards the end my “monkey mind” started chattering endlessly and I was unable to stay focused and ignore it.  BUT, for my first try I think I did ok.  The drumming in the background of the music really helped, and I have to say that (so far), I’ve been feeling much better all day – more relaxed and calm anyway. Even when I discovered that the puppy confiscated a small plastic plant that had been in a vase on one of my stereo speakers, I did not get angry at him and that’s the first time his bad boy antics did not upset me.  Wow, maybe there really is something to this meditation thing!

A New Beginning

As a child I was the only girl in a neighborhood with 17 boys.  Needless to say, I played a lot of football, baseball, basketball, “army”, “cops and robbers” and “cowboys and Indians”.  I climbed trees and raced by bike down “Dead Man’s Hill” at what I would now consider a life threatening speed.  I learned at a very early age that you do not go running home crying to mama when you crash and skin your knee.  You get up, brush it off, show off the blood, and get back on your bike to do it again. This “walk it off” philosophy is one I’ve carried with me my entire life. 

Another thing I’ve carried from my childhood is that I can completely do without “drama”.  Not to sound like a reverse chauvinist, but there have been far too many women in my life who have, or have created, way too much drama in their lives. Now, there are exceptions on both sides; I know many women who are not “drama queens”, and some men who are.  But regardless of whether they are male or female, I’ve also learned to avoid them at all costs.  They are social vampires, sucking the energy from you at an alarming rate and when I find myself getting pulled into their drama, I walk away – no, I run.  I put as much distance between them and myself as possible.  In the past six years I’ve severed ties with a few friends because I tired of their high maintenance, drama queen personalities. Brutal?  Maybe, but I call it self preservation.  Life is just too short to be pulled down into their vortex of negativity.  

That being said, I’ve decided to (try to) get rid of as much of the negativity in my own life as I possibly can, and it begins with me.  I used to be so very optimistic – someone once told me that if I was thrown into a barn full of horse shit, I would say ‘there’s a pony in here somewhere!’  Life is tough, but it’s always been, and I’ve always been able to deal with the bad stuff and keep on going – it always seemed to make me stronger than before.  When did that change?  When did I become so negative and cynical?  I don’t like this person anymore and I’m hoping that with the new year I can begin a new journey; one with a better attitude and a more positive demeanor.

For a long time now I’ve wanted to be able to meditate, but just could never seem to stay focused.  My mind would race with thoughts like a once wild horse that finally regained its freedom, and it drove me crazy.  Recently while doing some online research about meditating I came across a video that featured a Buddhist Priest, talking about “the monkey mind”, that endless stream of thoughts that race through your head. He said that you do not try and shut it off, but instead let the thoughts come, acknowledge them, and then refocus on your meditation.  Wow, that makes it sound so much easier, so tomorrow I start making attempts to meditate; banish everything negative and invite in the positive energy. Peace, Love, Balance, Strength, Patience, Harmony, Wisdom.      

January 1, 2016

I’ve been told I have an abstract mind.  I think I’ve always known that.  My brain simply does not work like most people’s minds; I do not think in straight lines.  I can get from point A to point B just as well as anyone, but my brain takes the scenic route to get there. I cannot think logically to save my life and in fact I do believe that I would drive Mr. Spock to drink.  On the up side however, having an abstract mind is a solid foundation for creativity – and I have an incredible imagination.

It can be difficult when you have a creative and abstract mind. Fleeting thoughts and ideas seem to race through it randomly at an alarming rate, making it difficult to hang on to them for even the briefest moments.  But once in a while I am able to at least slow them down and let them twist around my brain long enough to develop those thoughts into writings, ideas, poems or projects.

I love to write, and usually all it takes is one thought, one fleeting idea, to develop into a story, poem, or article that absorbs much of my time.  The research takes up a great portion of it, and is my favorite part.  I love learning everything I can about something and as I do, more ideas begin to form, which makes me want to know more.  It’s a vicious cycle and I love it!  And of course, like most writers, once I get something written it has to be edited over and over again.  I’ve been told that a good writer never believes their work is finished, and if that’s all it takes then I’m proud to be counted among some of my favorite authors.  Not that I write novels, and if I did I could never consider myself even remotely as good as they are, but it’s good company to be (very loosely) associated with.

I find that when I “hit” on an idea I just have to write about it.  More often than not I have no idea what I’m going to write until I begin typing, and then the story seems to take on a life of its own. It’s as if the story writes itself and all I am is a vessel to do the typing.  It’s those stories that make me want to just keep typing – to not stop for hours, or even days, but just to keep typing and at those times I just can’t seem to pull myself away from it.   

A couple of years ago I went online to find some websites for writers.  Nothing too serious, just another outlet for new ideas and maybe a few challenges.  One of the sites I found had an “assignment” to write one page about a job you had as a teenager. 

When I was 14 I went to live and work on a cattle ranch, which I did until I was 20.  At first I could not believe they were actually going to pay me to ride my horse all day – and then reality set in – this was hard work!  But I loved it, and so my “one” page story would be easy – or so I thought.  My single page suddenly morphed into a mostly fictional story, with the main character very loosely based on myself, and other characters based on people I’ve known (names were changed), and characters from my favorite TV shows and movies.  I guess this is what they talk about by taking creative license.  That one page story is now 417 pages long.  Will I ever publish it?  That’s not my plan but you never know; someday when it’s finally “finished” I may change my mind.