A Turning of the Leaf

I feel as though I’ve lost some of the joy in my life.  No, let me correct that; most of the joy in my life.  Things I used to take such pleasure in are now so mundane and unsatisfying.  Things I used to get so excited about are boring and lackluster.  Just the simple act of getting out of bed in the morning seems like way too much work. When did this happen, and more importantly - WHY?

Ok wait, I do know when it started.  Back in 2010 I had a job I enjoyed, with great pay and benefits, wonderful clients and a great boss.  Then he left the company and Sgt. Dip Wad moved in.  From the moment he walked into the office I just knew my days there were numbered.  He never laughed, never smiled and always had a twisted up, sour puss look on his face.  He had absolutely NO sense of humor and no desire to keep any type of open communication. I was pretty much shut out of the goings on in the office and he acted as though I wasn't even there - unless it was as a scapegoat for something he thought was wrong, bad, uninformative... you fill in the blanks here.   

If he didn't like it or he considered it to be bad - it was my fault.  He would instruct me to do something and then write me up for doing it. It was a lose/lose situation for me. He accused me of being continuously late for work  I was usually early, and always arrived before he did); he wrote me up for a bad attitude with clients (I had a stack of thank you notes from them for my help and assistance, and several of them had even sent me flowers for going above and beyond). He got upset with me for not wearing "bling" - sorry Sarge, but I'm not a "blingy" kind of girl; I'm earthy and plain - my smile and my attitude are my bling...  He even went so far as to accuse me of having body odor!  For that I was blown away.  Because of this last one we had to have a conference call with HR; seriously??  Even though I explained that I shower every morning before I go to work; when I get home my clothes went straight into the laundry, and in the summer I often shower at night as well because I hate going to bed feeling gritty and sweaty, I was told that I needed to be more unconscious of my personal hygiene. They didn't even listen to me - it was the last straw.  

For eight long, agonizing months I had put up with his attitude and tolerated the bull shit. And one day I could stand it no longer. It was affecting my physical health, my mental health and my general well being; so I walked out and never looked back.

I’ve never walked out on a job before, and I don’t regret that decision one bit, but man did it take the wind out of my sales in every way possible. I’ve yet to find that breeze that will fill my sails and help me move on again; the only wind I find is blowing me around like a tumbleweed - I have no control over it.  And when I do land I feel like all I’m doing is spinning my wheels.

I did find a temp job that I really liked, but they were in a hiring freeze and were not able to offer me a permanent position.  I had to move on again and find something else (by all the stars in the night sky - I absolutely HATE job hunting!)

After registering at a local job service I was informed about an upcoming “Job Fair”, and it was suggested that I attend. I really did not want to - I did not want to work in an office again.  I could not.  It would destroy me. But what else could I do?  Unless I wanted to live in a cardboard box under a bridge, I could not survive without an income, and I had to find another job; somewhere - anywhere - I just needed a paycheck.  

I printed out several copies of my resume and begrudgingly headed to the Job Fair.  I had absolutely no enthusiasm, and I’m sure it showed to everyone I spoke to. I didn’t care.

On my way out I passed a booth I hadn’t noticed before.  On the display behind it were photos of mountains and rivers, of people white water rafting and horseback riding. This was a job???  I stopped and chatted with the woman behind the table. It was a guest ranch, about 45 miles out of town, and one I had heard of before, although vaguely.  Did they have wrangler positions available?  Yes they did!  Go online and apply.  I left immediately and went online to their website and applied. Two weeks later I was hired!

It was such a welcome change, and a starting point to a new life. I was outdoors in the fresh air and sunshine.  And rain and thunder and wind… It was hard work.  It had been a long time since I had saddled horses, and I’d forgotten how heavy those big hunks of leather could be. I stacked 50 pound sacks of grain; 70 pound bags of salt; 80 pound bales of hay - and I loved it. It felt SO good to do physical work again!  And the horses!  I was working with the horses, and it helped to restore my soul. They gave me purpose and joy - and they were the very best therapy I could have had - and they didn’t cost a dime!  Ok, well, they did cost the gasoline getting there, but it was well worth it.

I learned new things. I pulled a horse trailer - with the horses inside - and I didn’t spill a single one!  I guided guests on trail rides and gave informative talks. One of them nominated me for an award for providing an exceptional guest experience - and I won!  I learned how to harness, hitch and drive the draft teams - and was hooked! My position changed from Wrangler to Teamster and I drove guests every night to a chuck wagon dinner in a wagon pulled by a pair of Norwegian Fjord horses. I think it was the most fun I’d ever had during a summer, and one I will not soon forget.

But it was only a seasonal position and the summer went all too quickly.  And the closer it got to the end of the season the sadder I became. The thought of not seeing “my boys” every day tore at my emotions.  I had gotten so terribly attached to them - how in the world would I get along without them?
 

But I had to. I had to leave and not go back - at least not until the following spring.  I have applied again this year and, according to HR, they are in need of a part time teamster, which for now would be perfect.  I would go back to full time in a heartbeat, but I doubt that will happen.  I don’t even know if I’ll get the part time job yet, but if not, so be it.

 

I am finally coming to terms with the bad experience that Sgt Dip Wad bestowed on me.  Ok, I'm still working on it, but I've gotten a lot better.  I just need to find some joy again.  I read somewhere recently that people need to have more "awe" moments.  Get outside and see the wondrous and awe inspiring things that are sitting right in front of us.  And it's true.  Up until last summer I'd forgotten how to do that. But I'm getting back to it.  I now carry a journal with me everywhere, and I look for those "awe" moments - in the tiniest of things. Slowly - very slowly - they are coming back to me.  It's like building a house - you can only set one brick at a time.

I have since taken another job; as a cashier in a retail business.  It’s tiring, both physically and mentally.  I go home every night feeling exhausted for no apparent reason.  It’s not what I want to be doing and the pay is not much more than minimum wage; but it's a start.  
And it will do until something better comes along.  But I’ve also learned that my dream job is not going to fall into my lap like the guest ranch did, but there are plenty of options and opportunities out there, I just have to look for them and make it happen.

What I have decided however, is that after working at the guest ranch, I want more - I want what *I* want, not what I have to settle for.  I realize that it may take a little time, but there are options and opportunities out there - I just have to find them. But from now on I want something that makes me happy; something I enjoy; something that gives me purpose and meaning; something rewarding that makes me feel human again.  I want to work with horses, riding, grooming or mucking out stalls - I don’t care which, as long as I’m near horses.  I need to be near horses! I need to live my life!